Perry’s Mailbag: Letters From Famous People

An odd thing happened over the past couple weeks. Famous people affiliated with sports (players, coaches, and analysts), started emailing me with questions and comments. It seems our fan base has spread across this great nation. I know all of you are pretty anxious to see exactly who emailed me, so let’s get right to it and open up the mailbag.

Coach K, Durham, NC: What did I ever do to you? What have I ever done to deserve all this criticism and ridiculing? I’ve collected three NCAA National Championships, 10 ACC Championships, 803 career wins with a winning percentage of .750, and in 2001 I was inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall Of Fame. I don’t think somebody with that kind of resume deserves all these nasty words. Perry, I ask again, what has Duke or myself ever done to you?

Because of Billy King, Mr. Krysheskiezshiezky or however you spell it. I’ve been a suffering Sixers fan since Larry Brown left in 2003. You know why? You screwed with Billy King’s basketball head when he played for you in the late ’80s and Duke University didn’t provide him with a good enough education to be an effective general manager in the NBA. I blame all my sufferings on you and Duke. Can you help explain all those ridiculous contracts he gave out? Can you explain the trade for Chris Webber? Howa bout keeping Allen Iverson a 76er for five years too many? Finally, Ed Stefanski has righted the ship for my team, but I was lied to about you understanding basketball and Duke University being able to educate their students. Billy King is proof that you and Duke are frauds. That, Coach K, is why I don’t like you or the school you represent.

Kerry Collins, Tennessee: Settle down, Perry. Don’t let Coach K get you all fired up like that. Just relax. Do you know what I do when I’m all stressed out? I get drunk. Heck, when I played for the Panthers I used to get hammered at halftime. We would be getting killed and I’d be all upset, but a couple tugs from the bottle got me straight again. Booze is always the answer my friend.

Thanks, Kerry. You’ve come a long way since your Maxwell award in 1994. You represent Penn State well.

Roscoe Parrish, Buffalo: Kerry’s right, but make sure you aren’t driving a car while you’re all boozed up in Miami Beach at 4:30 in the morning. The cops always seem to find ya.

I’ll keep that in mind, Roscoe. Hey, did you know you were the first player in the NFL to score a rushing touchdown, a receiving touchdown, and a punt return touchdown last year? Drink to that my friend.

Ricky Williams, Miami: Can I smoke to that?

The pipe has caused you too many problems, Ricky. Can’t you put your focus back on football? You used to be one heck of a player. If you need to wear your helmet everywhere you go to escape, then that’s fine, but just put the pipe down.

Pacman Jones, Atlanta: Yo Perry. I have that stripper pole you wanted. Funny thing, a couple weeks ago I was interviewed on a radio station in Atlanta on 680-AM and I told’em it was mine. They brought up the whole strip club thing and how I can’t stay away, so I told’em I put a stripper’s pole in my house, which keeps me at home. How great is that?

Smart move. That’s probably what Roger Goodell was hoping you would do during your suspension from being arrested six times since you were drafted in the first round in 2005. But hey, can you get that pole up here by the NFL draft? I have big plans.

Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer, New York: Perry, you still getting that stripper’s pole for the draft party? I’m not sure if Ashley’s gonna come. I kinda got in some trouble.

Spitz, you don’t have to sign all your emails ‘Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer.’ I know who you are. I heard about the troubles, too. All over the news, buddy. Ashley was hot. I was looking forward to meeting her. But yes, just spoke to Pacman and he should be getting the stripper’s pole to me shortly. Don’t you think you should stay home with the wife? It’s up to you though.

Tank Johnson, Dallas: Perry, I got some extra guns if you want them. I really got no place for’em and I need to get rid of them.

I’m good, Tank. No needs.

Chris Henry, Cincinnatti: Do you know of anyone that’s trying to get rid of any guns?

I think Tank is, call him, Chris. Keep me in the loop with the whole Chad Johnson thing. Seems like Hoochie’s upset now, too. Might be your time to step in and make some noise again. Don’t use the whole gun angle, though. It only got you in trouble last time. That and providing alcohol to minors, driving without a valid license, the DUI, and all those substance abuse mishaps. Make your noise on the field. You got some talent. Keep in touch.

Sean Salisbury, California: Can I forward you my resume? I promise I won’t expose myself to any of your employees if you give me a shot at writing for your magazine.

So, if we don’t give you a shot at writing for our magazine there’s a chance you will expose yourself to our employees?

Mark Cuban, Dallas: Did you see last night’s game? We can’t beat any of the top teams and now we lost Dirk Nowitzki for two weeks. I’m second guessing myself about the trade that brought Jason Kidd here, Avery and I aren’t getting along, and Denver is only two games back from taking away our playoff spot. What the heck do I need to do, Perry?

Yeah, I saw that last night. Dirk going down really has you guys in a bind. Your team is still so soft in the middle. I hate to say it, but you guys might be done. Your run is over, Mark. Trade Dirk.

Stephen Jackson, Oakland: I dropped 31 points on the Lakers last night in L.A. We won the game. Big win for us. Only a matter a time till we leap frog the Mavs. I heard Dirk went down, that true? Have you seen my boy Monta Ellis play lately? This kid is 22 years old and can play. But back to me. Did you see me matching three pointers at the end of the game last night with Kobe. He hit one with 56 seconds left to pull within one. Then I hit one with 38 seconds left. Then Kobe hit one with 30 seconds left. Then I hit another with eight seconds left. I was so happy I coulda shot a gun.

Yeah, good shooting. I love watching you guys play. You can beat anyone. And that Monta kid can play. I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to begin. This is going to be the best post season of basketball in a long time. Right now you guys would play the Hornets. Things change on a day to day basis, but you guys can beat them. And don’t be shooting guns anymore. Get rid of them. My boy Chris will buy’em off you if you want to get rid. You got the Lakers again tonight, Jax, so good luck.

Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix: I’m back baby and we’re starting to click. Seven in a row and one game back from the number one spot. I love that diesel truck horn they play at the US Airways Arena when I score.

I counted you guys out three weeks ago, nice rebound. The Suns are definitely contenders again. I knew you had one more run in ya.

Dick Vitale, Durham: I needa T.O. baby. Derek Rose is a Diaper Dandy, a PTPer!!! Yeah baby.

Shut the F up!

***Note to the readers: These emails are not actually from these people***

If you would like to get your email posted in the next ‘Perry’s Mailbag,’ shoot your question or comment to mperry_77@hotmail.com.

In Baseball, Basketball, Boxing, Coaches, Draft Picks, ESPN, Fantasy, Football, Hired/Fired, Hockey, Injuries, Media, NASCAR, NCAA, Olympics, Perry's Mailbag, Racing, Released/Waived, Scandal, Signings, Soccer, Trades, Transactions March 24, 2008

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One Response to “Perry’s Mailbag: Letters From Famous People”

Let’s Hit the Links « 215 Sports | A Philly Sports Blog on March 24th, 2008 10:57 am

[…] nice ‘made-up’ mailbag over at OTR. Fake Q & A with celebs and famous sports […]

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